Baby Elma Family Kitty Motherhood Pause for Thought Pregnancy

On wobbles

09/07/2014

Do you remember when you were in antenatal classes and they warned you that there was going to be a moment during labour when you would just decide that enough was enough, you couldn’t do it?

I have vivid recollections from my labour with Kitty of telling H that I’d had enough, the baby wasn’t coming and I wanted to go home now please, although I didn’t get enough time to have anything like that detailed a thought process when Elma was on her way (her labour being just that teeny tiny bit faster).

Well this time round I think I’m getting it out of the way now.

Space for the Butterflies - an eclectic handmade family life

It’s not that I’m afraid of labour or giving birth in whatever shape or form that takes; if all is well and we’re not an automatic sunroof delivery, I trust that at some point (with or without the assistance of acupuncture, and hopefully without syntocin) my baby and my body will do its thing; it’s going to hurt a hell of a lot, but it will be worth it. And I can do it. (Apologies if you’re a first time Mum and you’ve just landed here – clearly I’m fibbing about the hurting bit, go back to believing that it’s all sunshine and unicorns – it’s too late to back out now!)

No the fear right now, the “I can’t do it” is not the delivery, but the mothering.  I’m worried that I won’t be able to do it, that in stretching myself to three children I’m going to loose something; an essential part of me, or the faith or patience to be the Mummy I want to be, not the rather cross hot version that has seemed to be creeping out a bit more than I would like recently.

I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just the hormones, just the exhaustion that comes with this stage of pregnancy and a run of really bad nights sleep (because nothing says ‘sleep tight and rest up’ like a baby bump kicking you on the front and a lanky three year old wriggling into your back and pulling your hair), but there’s a little voice in my brain that says, what if it’s not that? what if picking things up off the floor for the umpteenth time is always going to make you grumpy, even when it stops being really difficult and slightly painful? what if you’re never going to get enough sleep again? If a lack of sleep can make a six year old behave like a four year old, what on earth is going to happen to a 34 year old? what if? what if? what if?

In my head I have a vision of how I would like our life to look.  It’s not unrealistic or unreasonable, I’m not dreaming of mansions and unlimited funds to travel the world/fill that mansion with yarn/probably both, it’s more of a visualisation of a feeling.  I know how I want it to feel when we walk through the door, how those golden moments when everything goes right should feel, and above all I want our lives to be filled with love, joy and hope.  And I know that not every moment will have us floating around on little fluffy clouds while cherubim serenade us and the washing up fairy cleans the kitchen, there will be moments when it all falls apart spectacularly.

I just have to trust that I’m going to find my way.  That just as I do believe I can give birth, I can have faith that maternal instinct, survival instinct, or sheer bloodymindedness will make it work.

I hope.

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  • monique 09/07/2014 at 9:24 am

    I love the photo 🙂

    • Carie 10/07/2014 at 9:57 pm

      Thank you – it was taken the same day as my Siblings photos for July and it is just such a lovely place to be on top of the hill!

  • Caroline 09/07/2014 at 2:35 pm

    You’ve got this Carie 🙂

    • Carie 10/07/2014 at 9:56 pm

      Aww thank you for the vote of confidence x

  • Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork 10/07/2014 at 1:12 pm

    Thank you for being so honest. I remember feeling that way before M was born, and now that everyone and their uncle is asking me when we’ll be getting round to number two, I frequently question whether I’d cope with another child. I just don’t know, and I feel a bit odd for not knowing.
    I’m not at all the mother I thought I’d be, but after nearly 18 months I am okay with that, and I’ve come to love the way our family of three is. It’s a hard, sleepless slog to get here – is it therefore any wonder that we’re worried about another child upsetting that precious balance? I don’t think so, but it doesn’t stop the wobbles from coming, does it. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who has to deal with them.

    • Carie 10/07/2014 at 9:51 pm

      Well thank you too for sharing – I think there’s always an element of doubt in your subconscious about any big change – it’s just a question of when and whether to take that leap of faith!

  • Donna 10/07/2014 at 5:08 pm

    Tbh this is how I felt after Little Man came along. Like I just couldn’t do it, it was so hard and for the first 6 months we all just existed. It wasn’t the best of times and I am so glad that we’re out of that now and we’re all enjoying being a family now – No more babies for us!
    I think that whenever your life changes it takes a while to adjust and whether that’s a month, six months or a year you will fall into the routine of having three children and before you know it life will be fantastic and you’ll be as good a mother as you always have been x

    • Carie 10/07/2014 at 9:44 pm

      Thank you – I think it’s one of those things that my head knows I’ll be able to sort and my heart and subconscious start to be all wobbly over!

  • sally 11/07/2014 at 10:44 pm

    Your opening paragraph made me reminisce – in ante natal classes for my first I vividly remember the midwife said (and I quote word for word, it’s etched into my memory!): ‘During your labour you’ll get to a point when your whole body feels like it’s broken in two and you just can’t take any more, well you don’t have a choice and you just have to comfort yourself with the thought that you’ll be half way through the pain at that point’! Aaaagh! It was really not what I wanted to hear at the time! But actually I think it does apply much better to different stages of motherhood rather than giving birth! And you will cope brilliantly – it’s just like your capacity to love expands with need as a new baby arrives, so does your capacity to cope and fit more into the day also expand. Unfortunately your tiredness expands too but that’s just an unavoidable occupational hazard!

    • Carie 12/07/2014 at 10:04 pm

      Oh lets hope so! I’m finding this heat really tiring so the idea of being more tired just makes me wonder how on earth it can be done!

  • Katie 11/07/2014 at 11:00 pm

    I don’t doubt you for a second Carie. You are the mum that I, and I’m sure a whole heap of people reading, aspire to be xxx

    • Carie 12/07/2014 at 10:00 pm

      OK now I’m blushing and coming over all hormonal – thank you lovely x